I assumed that life could only be as good as I could imagine, but not real life, and certainly not for any period of time.

I have not often been so wrong, and certainly never so happily.

I am grateful for every moment I live, and overwhelmed so often with joy and peace that it takes my breath.

I am contented and motivated to improve and enjoy and help others do the same. Thank You God, for EVERY thing.

That is all.

Peace

For many years I hoped to find Peace.

Wandering led me to Truth,

taught me to appreciate Beauty,

to create Happiness,

to respect Vulnerability,

and to embrace Challenge,

but Peace is elusive.

For many years, I've felt on the edge of a precipice. On the cusp of something truly awesome that I could not quite discern or fathom, I have felt awkwardly perched, like standing at the edge of a cliff, in front of a mountain, or the edge of a silent lake in the dark. Before my eyes adjust, the immensity is only a feeling at the extremity of my senses. It tugs at my consciousness in that inscrutable way only the unknown can. 

I am on the brink of something. Something is happening. I haven't the slightest idea what, but I'm excited as Hell to find out. 

It takes a lot of discipline to hold my position "on the X" as it were, when everything in me says "MOVE!" but I'm doing it now, because every other time I've move off and the opportunity waits another few years to knock again, with the same urgency. I'm trying to learn from that "mistake".

So what do I do now?

Abilene

0600 June 12 2015

His hands tell the stories he can't remember.
Scars pick up the narrative between childhood, brotherhood, and his first brush with our less than gentle world.
They go on for a long, long time...
Sad stories
Funny stories
Lonely stories
Always stories
Stories that became a little larger than life as people "remembered" them, but somehow the embellishments never quite outstripped the man I see before me now,
so different from what he was, but still so fiercely Independent and Loving.

I kiss his forehead when I hug him to say hello or goodbye, and tell him I Love him and he does the same, and it seems as if it has always been that way between us.  Strange that we've always been so far apart.

I had always known some piece of my history was buried deep in his chest and that I would have to know the man in order to know myself.
It has been a complicated endeavor,
But every small step toward understanding has been worth it.
Every word a gift, and every moment a miracle.
This is my Father, and I Finally Know Him.

June 11 2015

My favorite ways to be alone
are on the trail and on the road...
The road will keep you company
droning on, like an old man talking weather on a street corner
Things it's seen
Things it's been
Things it's heard

A trail is great company
Everything on it wants to know why you're there
Where you're going
Why you're going
When you're leaving
Why you smell like water and food

But houses only talk to themselves
I think they think that noone's listening

Texas

11/12/10
I have long known that cowboys keep secrets you have to be country to understand, but tonight proved it all to be true.  I'm country enough to know That I was missing something, but I've never known exactly what, or how much.  

Dance halls are better than sliced bread, bottled soft drinks, and the internal combustion engine all together.  I WILL learn to cut a rug, dance a jig and/or Texas swing before I die.  No question.  

Good friends, good times, good music.

Hard lessons

Knowing what is most important in life is sometimes the most difficult thing in the world.  It can be clouded by fear, twisted by bitterness, confused by expectations, and obscured by over-thinking.  I’ve never not-known what the right thing to do was until my heart was involved.  Suddenly, I was making all the wrong decisions. 

I tell people, “Just breathe and move, don’t think,” and “Go with your gut,” but I kept complicating all of the simple things.  I know what I was thinking, and what I believed was right at the time, but that will never make up for the time I’ve lost as a result of that backward process. 

“Just breathe and move…”  (shaking my head)  Dan had it exactly right.  I was making it complicated.  I wish he had been here to slap some sense into me when I needed it. 

Lesson 1.  Brains are for problems, Hearts are for living.  Your mind is a weapon evolved and refined over millions of years, specifically to protect life, cancel threats, and solve problems.  Never point it at anything you don’t wish to destroy. 

Lesson 2.  True Love is REAL, and it’s for Everybody, not just for people without responsibilities. Dreams are THE MOST IMPORTANT parts of US, struggling to Live and Breathe, and make the world a better place, but none of it is Worth It without Love.

Lesson 3.  Therefore, Choose Love, over ALL else.  This is not a motto, it is a call to action.  DO this.  It’s not just for the movies, or romance novels.  Make it your purpose in Life, and you will have won, regardless of the outcome.

 

Lesson 4.  Pray.  Always pray. 

Trust and Love

My Love, My Family.  

I've done you wrong by being fearful.  I've fallen short of trusting you.  When I fail, I will ask for help.  I will trust those I've bled with and for, and those I love, and who love me, to carry me when I would rather crawl.  I've done you a disservice, falling short of trusting you, because I was too fearful of disappointment and you have proven me wrong time and again.  

If We fail together, I will trust that nothing could have been done to avoid that outcome.  I say I love you, and I mean it...

Just a bit perturbed

2/3/11

What have I communicated, that leads people to believe I'm aggressive?!

(Slow-dawning comprehension)

Oh...that.

There are no more like me

2/10/11

I had to stop wondering
so it wouldn't hurt
every corner I turned
was another disappointment
never finding another of my kind

a soul that bleeds like I do
a mind that wants to sing
a heart that loves what I love
someone just for me