Good friends, good kids, good times.

Tonight the Hejls came over and we all walked the park and the river at dusk and it was exactly what every American evening with kids should be.  They frolicked and sped about, asking questions and hurtling headlong into the unknown while we watched and reminisced about when we all did the same and it was beautiful.  A memory I will not soon forget, and one I hope they won't either.  I asked Emily if it reminded her of anything and she said Washington and I was finally very happy.  I knew I liked this place, but I wasn't sure if I could stand to stay.  The triple digits will be back by May, but right now it's perfect, and it just might do the trick for a while...  We'll have to see.  Thank you Lord for this day, and the health and safety of my children, and for all our friends and loved ones.  Your words and your work flows through them, and reminds me of what I should try to be every day.  Goodnight!

Wow!

Life is throwing me for a loop right now, in a really amazingly good way.  All these amazing people are coming out of the woodwork and into my life.  I don't know what I've done to deserve meeting them all right now, but I'm going to try to keep doing it.  Thank you Lord...

Bastrop Wildfire Relief Initiative

Well, my very first relief initiative has come off without any real hitches.  We left on-time, (within 10 min) arrived on-time, delivered the donations of approximately 25 people, and then worked from 1100-1645 to get the rubble of a burned high-school cleared to the side of the road for the county to clean up.
Evidently, for every volunteer that shows up to help, the county gets paid by FEMA to clear the rubble.  Once the volunteers dry up, the county will no longer be able to help clear the properties, and that will be that.  I know that there is a lot more work to be done, and not nearly enough people to do it, so I pray that God will intervene for these people and make a way forward for them in the coming months that will help them to reclaim their lands and homes.

Ah Morning PT

0400 comes far too early.  I've resolved to turnover the aquatics program, and have set about finding a suitable replacement.  Not sure how well that will actually work out, since the candidates have little or nothing to do with the type of workouts that I will want them doing.  I've a feeling their motivations are much more self-serving than I'd like, but what can I do really?  I would have trusted Tasha, or Martha to do it, but they are no longer available.  Patty could be trusted to take over, but she is not qualified to do so, and that leaves me with the new cadre of non-believers who have only just begun to be indoctrinated.  What to do, what to do...

Begin the RV diaries...

So I am now completely, (or so it would almost seem) moved into my trailer, and it's only been two weeks but I've already moved it once!  I started out down in Von Ormy, on the river, but my original thought had been to live in Castroville.  Cut to several days later, and here I am in Castroville, parked, prepped, and pretty much stationary.  I love it here, and the park is right next-door.  Local food and people are great, life is good, (I've even been warm enough) and I managed to get myself invited to the world's biggest beat down session in New Jersey, (aside from Coronado of course, but this is individual beat down, and unsupported.)  We shall see!  If it doesn't kill me, I'll probably go back for seconds.  How stupid am I?

Keeping it straight

Ok, so for October, you could say things have gotten more than a little out of hand...
First, I guess was the gym, because the space was perfectly located and there was a competing bid from a church so we moved a month early.  so we started cleaning the floor, clearing the space, organizing, plotting and generally making things more and more inhabitable and less like it had been a toxic waste dump and then everyone started pounding the issue of the certifications.  290 and 291 are completely extraneous to me, but the uppers keep insisting, and this is something to distract me from everything else I'm doing?  I don't think so.
So I want to finish my EIDWS first, and then work out the 290/91 logistics ok?  Not ok...  So that leads me to the original priority which was to get EIDWS settled and done.  3 written tests, 1 pre-board, and an oral board.  Well, then the Adjunct faculty thing reared it's head and the opportunity to attend that class popped up, and I want it on my eval, so I took it.  Starting Monday the 31st.  Oh yea, I also started the Bastrop Wildfire Relief Initiative at the end of September I think.  This was something I just had to do when I heard from Brooke that the whole damned county had burned while we were away in Costa Rica.  1600 homes!  Unbeleivable!
So we got the idea in our heads to run the October Mudder to try and qualify for the World's Toughest Mudder in New Jersey in December.  Now this was really just to see how well I could do because I had wondered how long it would take me to run the course without stopping.  As it turns out, my time was 2:49:32 or something like that, and that included several involuntary stops to wait at severely backed-up obstacles.  I figure I might not have even cramped up if it hadn't been for those waits, so who knows?  Maybe I would have been under 2 hours???  Meh!
Aaaaanyway, in the interest of keeping this all from disintegrating in my mind, I then finally had had enough with my landlord not fixing the safety issues in my rental house, so I gave my 30 day notice on the 7th of October.  So then I was also moving out of my house and into the travel trailer I had recently bought, and of course forgot to mention earlier.  It's awesome, I love it, and it is about (pinching motion) this big.  (shaking head)  So the dog hates it, the cat loves it, and I am now thinking this is all working out soo well!  The gym is going to soft open in November, and Grand Open in January so life is perfect right?
Then I take a shower in the trailer for the first time and water runs under the edges of the bathroom to the door...sigh...
But it's cool!  I got this!  I can still make everything work, and life is GOOD right?  No worries!  Remember that lark we had trying to qualify for the WTM (World's Toughest Mudder International 24 Hour Death Race as it's billed?)  I had completely forgotten about applying for a wildcard position until I checked my email and found that I had 24 hours to register.  Oh and come up with 500 bucks to do so.  ...bigger sigh...
So long story short is I may now be boyfriend to the most generous and wonderful person I've ever met in my life, who chose to bankroll that until I could get the cash out of everywhere it's buried/tied up, and actually encouraged me to enter and go to Jersey.  So now, let me make sure I've got this all down.
I'm supposed to be boarding for EIDWS
Completing two Microsoft Certifications
Opening a business
Training a cadre of Swim Instructor Lifeguards for "Crossfit Like" workouts to rehab and remediate FEP personnel
Turning over said Aquatics program to one of aforementioned instructors.
Training for the WTM in New Jersey, in Fucking DECEMBER!!!
Oh, and taking over responsibility for a new workcenter whose entire workforce is another service, and whose business process is like customer service at HP.
Did I forget anything???
Ah, yes, the Bastrop Wildfire Relief Initiative.  The one other thing I care about as much as I do the gym, and so yesterday I ran all over town picking up donations, received donations at the gym, organized points of contact, and sent a shipment of furniture, clothes, and appliances to Bastrop today before settling in to play with my kids and receiving a text that I may now have Strep Throat, and I should tell everyone I've been in contact with...WHAT A WEEK!
But you know...I've absolutely loved every minute of it!  Thank you God for bringing me back from the brink of whatever void I was peering into and helping me to almost get back to what I remember being long ago, before all the marriage stuff really started to get to my mind.  I'm almost me again and if feels so good to be coming back.  God Is GREAT!

New Beginnings

So I put the deposit down on the gym with half from my partner in crime, and I almost freaked out that night.  Wheew!  It is pretty scary but also a damned good feeling to be moving forward with this.  People are really starting to ask questions and Aaron showed up for several hours yesterday and was a HUGE help to Tasha and I.  (Thanks Man!)
So here's the run-down of what is currently going on.  I prefer to think of it as the time I need to do this so it will never be difficult again.

Best Man and research assistant for Dustin on wedding his bride from Germany here in Texas.
EIDWS testing, training, studying, and boarding.
Microsoft Certifications 290 and 291
Moving out of my house, and into the travel trailer to "save" capital for the gym project.
Reposession of Kia Rio from Former Wife in Corpus Christi October 7th.  -DONE-
Tough Mudder team coordination and execution October 8th.  -DONE-
Bastrop Relief Initiative organization, collection, contact and integration with local efforts, and delivery of first shipment of donations. - DONE-
Ongoing Bastrop Relief Initiative tasks.
Integrating into Network workcenter/training.
Certifier Class 28 October
Adjunct Faculty Teaching Certification
Clear, clean, and setup the gym.
Start the business, DBA, LLC, Professional Insurance, equipment insurance, and operational testing.  Legal research on contracting and release to Mil/Agency.

Ok, stopping there to think about something else before I get overwhelmed.  I've actually been enjoying the hell out of all of this. We'll see how it pans out, but I've been praying, and trying to listen to what God is telling me to do.  I hope I'm not just trying to make something happen that isn't what He wants.  I think maybe this is right though.

Best Friends

Ok, think of all of the qualifications you'd dream up, if for whatever reason there were suddenly a requirement to outline and search for a Best Friend.

What would be the first thing you'd hold as a priority?  How would your list look?  What would the underlying theme be?

I was thinking about this in the context of a few other things and realized that if we compared the I wants to the actualities in our friends, I don't imagine there'd be a single correlative in the first ten.  Let me give you an example.  Let's just say the first thing you decide is that you want to meet someone bold, self-reliant, and rakishly charming so that you can go out and get into loads of interesting adventures together.
The reality stares you in the face on weekends, and he's ill-groomed, with a tendency to scratch unmentionable body parts in public, and clams up tighter than a bank vault around beautiful, (or in fact any) women.
Is this what you would have looked for?  Of course not, and yet you've been best friends forever, and maybe you wouldn't change that for the world.
Let's consider the same thing for husbands and wives.  Was one of the first things on your list someone you'd have to constantly watch out for, and occasionally hold their hair back while they vomit because even at thirty something they have a tendency to allow people to goad them into drinking more than they should?  Would you have listed someone whose financial decisions make you cringe at the very mention of a dollar sign?
Then why the hell do we fall for these people?
More importantly, if Darwin, Dawkins, and all the other sychophant evolutionist circle-jerkers are correct, then why the hell do people like this even exist anymore?  Shouldn't they have been rendered extinct with all the other genetic waste we've shed over the years?  Why do we still produce leeches, trolls, malingerers, and fakes?

I like the rain

Yet another annoying discovery in a landslide toward alienation is my love for rain.  Every list of Best Climates to live in is strictly based on number of sunny days, or the number of days with no rain.  I LOVE rain, and I love the green that succeeds it.  Why would I want it to be sunny ALL the time?  I want the rain to come down in Buckets for about an hour a day and cool everything off, or the warm driving rain to flow in torrential downpours so I can go outside in it and be inundated in that beautiful stuff.  I've never understood how people can hate rain, except when I lacked the appropriate clothing or equipment to keep warm in a cold rain.  Even then, I loved to go out in it, and to smell the plants and hear the sounds of the drops hitting everything.  How could I NOT LOVE the rain?  It makes me happy!

Smiling

I didn't realize I could ever be this good at it.  My little loves are here, and I am the happiest man alive just to be with them, and for them to be with me.  I realize that I'll have to do whatever I can to keep that happiness alive when they are back with their Mom again, but the way this has felt for me, I wonder that I could ever not be happy again just knowing that they're in the world somewhere, growing, learning, and walking around with that piece of my heart in their chests next to theirs.  So proud, and so scared of what the future holds, but too thankful for being able to be their Dad to care about all that right now.  This is my purpose in life now and I think it does just fine to keep me warm at night...

Youth

I'm realizing that when I was young I had the audacity to think I knew that I didn't know everything, but I didn't, and that has since made itself clear so many times.

jumping

leap of faith
falling
no less frightening
difference in the landing
and the flight

thank the Lord for the fear
and the grace...

Happy

I sit here at my kitchen table, pretty damned happy.  I am newly divorced, was nearly bankrupted, almost depressed, practically unhinged, but I am recovering very nicely thanks to a few wonderful people, spread all over the world, and truly essential to my well-being.  To all of you, I hope you know who you are, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

-me

Evidence of love

For many months now, I have worked hard to beleive that there was never any real love between us.  That maybe we were just infatuated and careless youths, acting on impulse and that even those things were fleeting.  funny how these things come back to haunt you...
I've been cleaning the garage to facilitate a workout, and some semblance of order in my life and wouldn't you know, I came across every letter we'd ever written to eachother, bundled up nicely and preserved in a keepsake box, with the scent of her perfume from way back when.  I think it was called "Happy."  The irony is not lost on me.  We WERE happy, for a little while, and then we were just stubborn and miserable, and wanting to be happy but unable to put our fingers on why we weren't and then-I don't know.  So much wasted time and so many things that could have gone differently.  It's beyond my understanding.
So now, amidst all the knick-knacks and toys and furniture of the kids, I am cruelly jerked back into reality and smothered by the realization that we killed our love, just as sure as we conceived it.  I don't know that I was ever "In Love" but as I look back on it I wonder what that would have actually meant for me back then.  I was so busy making sure she didn't wrap me around her finger that I never really fell, and then it wouldn't have mattered.
I don't know if that's what made it impossible, or if it was all the real stuff that came with it, but it's over now, and just like Mom and Ma both said, some days you'll be fine and then something will hit you and send you reeling, begging to recover so you don't lose your feet.  The evidence was literally all around me just now -- My wife loved me once, very much, and I loved her....

Inspiration

it's fading and I cannot hold it in my mind
the picture of what I had thought to share
expression of what I had longed to speak
a dream, dying.
 fear the empty page
  the glaring open spaces
   the flat white nothing
    haunts me

i fear the loss
the scorned muse

I cannot see it
 it flits outside the focus of my mind
  like some nervous creature
   startled into movement by the light

    film of dust atop well-worn shelves
   smell of pages filled with eloquence
  taste of graceful deterioration
 sound of isolated peace
feel of distressed leather
to recover what was lost.

I am happy, but not ok

So, I've been trying not to write about this, but it has come to my attention that if I am not honest I cannot be true, and part of that includes writing out the stuff that makes it impossible for me to sit through a father child moment in a movie dry-eyed, or to ever see things in that same old simple way I thought would last forever before I got divorced.
Part of honesty with self and others is giving voice to those things I'd rather not entertain or allow my friends to see for fear I might become the bitter person I know I could've been and refuse to become.  I don't want to express so much anger into a world that drowns in it daily.  I don't want to be a victim and I don't want to be disillusioned anymore, because I'm older and wiser and I remember how to enjoy my life in spite of all of those things now.  But I'm finding my repression of these things is suffocating me in tiny increments every day.  Sometimes I can feel the fingers around my throat, squeezing, and sometimes it's just a thought in the back of my mind unnoticed, but it's there.  I can't allow that to happen any more than I can stop singing to myself in public, or facing into the sun and closing my eyes when it comes out from behind a cloud, or pushing my hands up into a warm rain.  These things I do because something in me loves them and cannot go without them for long and will not allow me to be jaded against them, or rather, I love them so much that I refuse to let go of them.  So I will write this out.
I have two daughters.  Their names are Emily and Lola, and even as I type their names here, my eyes lose focus with tears I know I should probably suppress but won't.  I want to preserve that so I will be reminded to live life to its fullest when I am with them, because it's so easy to be swept up by the concerns of the day now.  There are times when I forget, even in the face of so much loss, that I need to be in the moment every moment that I am with them.  I am a person who KNOWS that every moment can shine, and yet so often nowadays I find myself blinded to what I know.
At Emily's dedication I said I'd found my purpose because she'd given it to me just by being born.  My heart was broken for the very first time just days after she came to us.  I knew what it meant to be driven.
With Lola I was given back my heart to learn to truly see and feel the world again.  Her simple joy at every thing she touched overflowed from the second she first opened her eyes.
I would do anything to protect them, anything to save them, and almost anything to see them realize their dreams and to spare them the misery that I went through, but that wasn't enough.
They aren't here with me now.
I don't hear their footsteps echoing across the floors, or their voices whispering in the next room, or even shrieking sisterly indignation at some new outrage.  They don't live with me.
I used to drive the 160 or so miles one-way every weekend to meet them, but since the divorce it is every other weekend.  I am now a part-time father, and a paycheck.  I am not what I set out to be, nor am I satisfied with my new role, but it would seem my former wife is pleased with this new arrangement.  To what end I don't know, and for what reason.  To what purpose do I owe my exclusion from my little loves?  She has no answer for me, only court documents and measured tone.
I am a man without so much of my purpose.  A man without so much of my heart.  I do not dwell in these things for I have no wish to be bitter, but if I gave full concert to my grief I would be broken.  I busy myself with things that I must do, and places I must go, and the glimmers of joy that I find between visits with my dearest little ones.  Life is quite good, and I enjoy it well, but always in the back of my mind is when will I see them again?  When will I hold them close and hear them say they love me and listen to their contented voices playing down the hall?
I've still the capacity and hope for love.  I daresay I've met someone who makes me very happy, but I cannot take it farther, nor can she for now.  We will not compromise a romance over loneliness, nor chase it to oblivion with recklessness.  So it is, and I AM happy, but so heavy-hearted lonely for my little loves.  I miss them dearly.

Smiling

I'm sitting here listening to the crunches of popcorn and excited laughter from the next room and smiling from ear to ear.  Emily and Lola are here with me and I am loving every second of it, right down to the thumping I normally can't stand when they're running around the apartmentand the little coughs and sighs that sometimes keep me up at night.  I couldn't be happier with interrupted sleep.  My girls are home with me, and I have missed them so, after so short a time.  I'm so glad it's my weekend...