Lola Mornings

bleary, a thought rushes across the back of my eyelids only to fail its purpose utterly.  still asleep...a small, incredibly perky voice is asking me if I want to wake up now, which, after laborious consideration strikes me as a terrible idea.
God she's cute though.
After climbing up next to me, she pats my head and curls up under the covers for exactly 23 seconds.  Apparently I need to get up and make her cereal.  I groan and she puts her feet on me (to get more leverage?) underscoring the obvious, and prompting another groan (her feet are cold!)
as consciousness slowly floods in, I can't help but wonder irrationally, why I have to get up.
I could totally take her, she's only 3.  I outweigh her by a buck fifty easy!  I could just say "No," after all it's still dark outside.  People don't even know it's morning yet...!  Nothing could defeat this logic!
Yea, Did I mention she's 3?  I'm getting up and I know it's an inevitable.
She gathers her thoughts for a second, (I can tell because she does that little lip-smacking noise that people do before they're about to say something important) and I have no idea where she's gotten that mannerism but it tickles me.  I stifle a laugh which is the beginning of the end.  Point-Lola.  "Daddy don't you want to get up now?"
You can't argue with a 3 year old, especially when they know you're no longer serious.
As I drag myself out of bed I'm plotting a return to the covers that will never happen.
She's happily going on about Kix, and whether we'll go swimming or not, and barbies and Scooby-doo and I'm debating starting the cartoon train for a chance to crawl back into bed.
But you know, what do we always say when it's waay too late at night and nobody feels like going home?  I'll sleep when I'm dead!  Me and Lola, we've got things to do!

Introspection

November 21 2009

I find lately I'm preoccupied with loneliness. I don't know if it's directly related to my situation but I figure most of it's to do with state of mind and distance from loved ones.  Place and time has no bearing on my mind unless I let it, I know, but I let it sometimes so loneliness flows easily.   Any progress I'd made toward optimism is usually lost.  (smile)
Somehow it catches me blindside.  I've never decided to be melancholy, it's just suddenly I am.  Which has been a blessing and a curse.  Melancholy is a favorite word and atmosphere, but hardly a favorite mood.  Thankfully I'm well-equipped to deal with this insidious problem.  Since my attention span is slightly shorter than the lifespan of the trace amounts of unstable subatomic particles drifting around in my bloodstream, I can be happily on about my business in the blink of an eye.
It would be nice to be able to enjoy my own company again, for more than a day or two.  I used to enjoy being alone, but now it gets to me pretty quickly.  
Of course it's a setup for failure going to the places I've been.  The middle of the woods, somewhere near a river would surely resonate differently than the cities and deserts I've found myself surrounded by.  There's no peace, just anxiety and dissonance.  

What happens in Vegas?

December 7 2009

I'm in Las Vegas on business and I don't understand.  I thought I might have for a minute-I really was trying, but then it all slipped away with the reality of another crisp morning after.  The accompanying realization remains:  You can only be happy here for as long as you can outrun the expense.

Hurts like hell to see you
hurts like hell when I don't
There was fire in your eyes
When we kissed
But its gone
Knew it was over
You shouldn't have
Made me hold on

Promises lost in the memories they came with
They've lost the luster
They had when you made them
Your heart didn't change
With your name when you changed it
So why did you ask me to stay

There's no excuse
For the way that you left it
Wasting my time, I'm still
Trying to forget it
Empty words echo
Across empty pages
I've left all my tears
Somewhere I can't replace them
Goodbye