The bitterest cold I’ve ever felt

Was in my own heart

For a love that was

And was no more

Nor ever will be again


The bitterest cold

And the emptiest night

Life

I've recently had to experience just how F'd up things can get when "good" relationships go bad.  The catalysts, the changes, the conflict, and confusion.  I've had just about all I can stand, but fate stirs up trouble the entire way and I have to laugh.  Fate is pretty funny.

I embrace change as a matter of course.  I accept it and roll on, but for some reason this has been difficult to accept.  I've had issues with "how," but now I've seen "why," and been steadily contemplating the "what now" since this whole things started.  I like the answers I've been getting so far.

I could list a thousand reasons why things didn't work, but the things that I love suffice as a list all on their own.

I've never been one to let well enough alone, mostly because that's never gotten me anywhere.  I act on my instincts and things work out but I can't imagine a more glaring example of failing to act than what has so totally changed my life recently.
Long walks on the beach, in the woods, over the mountains, hell I like really long walks that turn into overnight camping trips and white water excursions.
I love not knowing what's over the next ridge and just for the hell of it, sprinting the switchbacks to find out, even if there's no lake to jump in, or river to slosh through.
I like diving stuff that makes my insides tighten up just looking over the edge, and the idea that one of these days I'm going to have to say "Uh, nope, better NOT try that...yet."
Literature, Music, Sports (doing, not so much watching) Art, Culture.  What's not to like?
I am that guy.  I have no qualms with it, and I will NEVER compromise that part of me for anything ever again.

I respect people, and what they have to do to survive, but not at the expense of others.  Chances are, if you do what you love, you will love people and do right by them whether they do right by you or not because you won't care.  They can't touch you anyway.

Every day.

Do I believe that every day could be the greatest day of my life?  I suppose that is the ultimate question we are faced with.  What do we do with that, and do we live our lives based on that one truth.  Even if it were just an academic drill, what would that say about us as people if we woke up every day and treated it as if its potential alone made it worth the adversity, the "price of admission?"
I think I've been trying to answer this question with a resounding "Yes!" all my life, but things always seemed to get in the way.  By my own hand or otherwise.  I've never met a person that couldn't screw up their own lives if left to their own devices for too long.  I never used to be influenced by what was going on around me, but lately I've fallen into this habit of wondering what the world will think before I act.  Perhaps I arrived here on a quest to avoid arrogance, but eventually it's just dishonest and misleading.  I count too many things I haven't done and haven't enjoyed as a result, and those become regrets.  We do this to ourselves.  No one chooses for us, we choose this path.  We are seduced by our gifts to the detriment of our choices.  We justify our choices with blame, a crutch I can no longer afford and never wanted in the first place.

Decisions...

So what to do first?  Make a list of the things I want, and a separate list of the things I need, and perhaps a separate list of things I may do to make the former two lists possible and deconflict the three?  (laughing at self)  Well it can't be THAT hard to do right?  I just need a plan of action. 
So many things have happened over the last few months, weeks, and days that it is hard to figure out what will take priority along these lines.  Do I retain my current living space, vehicle, career, state of residence?  Shall I strike out in search of new and better things?  Who's to say I shouldn't just chuck it all and start completely new?  I'll admit, if I had money, that would be the first order of business, but I digress.  How do I handle this newfound freedom/captivity? 

Writing to drag myself out of anger

 Anger is a funny thing.  For part of my life I enjoyed it thoroughly and used it to improve performance, efficiency, accumen, and the occasional party trick, but now I have no use for it.  It impedes my evolution, and destroys my carefully laid plans for success and family.  I am not who I was, but I will never be who I want to be without laying this demon to rest once and for all.  How to do it? 
I've been on this Earth for 32 years. 
I live and breath for one, really just for me.
Everything I want comes after that.
No matter how I want to improve my childrens' lives, or nurture and care for them, I can only live and breath for me and hope that what I do shows them what is possible by example.  Only after I make these provisions for myself, can I provide what they need as a father figure and a mentor; a Nurturing, confident, firm, loving, and succesful presence in their lives that provides unconditional love and support, regardless of what life brings.  I want them to see me and understand what it means to make that effort and choose to continue learning and growing in spite of what might otherwise be comfortable.  I don't want to fail them in that or any capacity.  A lofty goal if ever there was one, but a goal I cannot but attempt.  They are the best of me, and I can't wait to see who they turn out to be.