The kids and I watched the movie Tangled tonight, a lovely adaptation of the Rapunsel fairy tale that we all thoroughly enjoyed. There is a beautiful scene in the movie where the grieving king and queen have the support of their entire kingdom in lighting a floating lantern vigil to their missing daughter, releasing them on her birthday's evening each year.
I told Emily that's how much Mommy and Daddy love her, even more to be honest and that Daddy feels like that when he is away from her. Astute little observer that she is, she pointed out that we had never sent lanterns into the air to tell her how much we loved her but I told her that every day that I am away from she and her sister I say my prayers and thank God for them, and pray that they know how much I love them.
I didn't think she could understand that sort of thing yet, but she seemed to get it. It was pretty cool. Who'd have thought an animated movie could help explain something so important to me to her. I had tears in my eyes the whole time, poor sap that I am, but after we talked about it, she seemed to get a heavy heart. I told her it was ok to be sad for the characters because it was a very good movie, and that was how it was supposed to be. I don't know if that made her feel better, but it sure made me wonder what she understands and what she feels on a deeper level than we might give her credit for.
When we left the theater they bounced and skipped gaily through the parking lot with me, but as we neared the car she said that she'd like to write Mommy a letter to tell her how much she misses her and let her know she loves her very much. Makes me wonder what's going on in that little mind of hers...I told her that was the really cool thing about letters. We can send someone an I love you anytime we want and the mail will come right to them.
What a cool day it was today!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Bottom
I've been thinking about the word bottom. It seems we're a bit conflicted about it.
Bottom can mean a good thing, or a bad thing.
It can mean the underside of something, or the backside of an animal.
It can be cute, or it can be matter of fact.
It can be the place you fall to when you're absolutely out of luck and alone
or it can be the where you start when you're about to do the impossible.
Bottoms are great. I am at Rock Bottom right now, and I feel better than I have felt in a VERY LONG TIME.
I am taking charge of my life, my resources are my own, and the decisions I make now will affect everything that comes after, but they are mine alone. I am beholden to noone, and soon, will owe nothing again. I am my own person again, for better or for worse, and God, have I missed that...
Bottom can mean a good thing, or a bad thing.
It can mean the underside of something, or the backside of an animal.
It can be cute, or it can be matter of fact.
It can be the place you fall to when you're absolutely out of luck and alone
or it can be the where you start when you're about to do the impossible.
Bottoms are great. I am at Rock Bottom right now, and I feel better than I have felt in a VERY LONG TIME.
I am taking charge of my life, my resources are my own, and the decisions I make now will affect everything that comes after, but they are mine alone. I am beholden to noone, and soon, will owe nothing again. I am my own person again, for better or for worse, and God, have I missed that...
Friday, December 3, 2010
Danger
Something seething, cold and malevolent in the back of my mind pricked up it's ears today, even as I sincerely wished her well. I knew it, and did my best to cut it off from whatever life support it had been clinging to, unnoticed for so long, but I failed. It's awake now, and it knows me very well.
I've just realized that until I was married I'd never been embarrassed to tell anyone something that had happened to me. Whether it had been my own fault, or someone else's the thought never crossed my mind to be humiliated because I was able to accept what had happened as life, and move on without reservation. Even now I can tell all manner of crazy stories about horrible, traumatic,even tragic experiences without batting an eye, but I was always embarrassed to tell anyone about her infidelity. I felt great pause, and a knot of guilt and fear climb into my throat whenever I had occasion to mention her many financial betrayals, or the time she deliberately stayed in harm's way on a whim and some childish excuse while I was away.
All these things pale in comparison to the bitterness and humiliation I felt, and still feel, when I have to tell people she left me. I know why now. Because I've always taken pride (first mistake) in knowing people and their character and every failure of hers was a failure of mine that could have been avoided by the simple choice not to have married her at all. I could have avoided all of that, but I didn't because I was in love, she was in love, and we were going to figure it all out together. It wasn't even naive, I went in with my eyes wide open and the world at arms' length, but it didn't matter.
She would have been (probably will be) THE perfect wife for someone, almost anyone else, but not for me. The things that didn't work out were academic, but infinitely important to us on opposite ends of the spectrum and therefore irreconcileable. Why then did it take 11 years? Stubbornness?
Because I loved her, and because I thought God wanted me to stay (last mistake.) At least I was wrong about that.
They're moving in together, with my children, and talking marriage in the summer. The ONE thing I asked her for, she had to lie to me about again. Again, she's doing exactly what I said she'd do, and I can't believe she'd ever do but I read it all in her months ago.. I'm so, so, sick of being right...and I just want to...but I won't.
Stress: The condition resulting from the mind overriding the body's natural urge to throttle someone who desperately needs it.
I've just realized that until I was married I'd never been embarrassed to tell anyone something that had happened to me. Whether it had been my own fault, or someone else's the thought never crossed my mind to be humiliated because I was able to accept what had happened as life, and move on without reservation. Even now I can tell all manner of crazy stories about horrible, traumatic,even tragic experiences without batting an eye, but I was always embarrassed to tell anyone about her infidelity. I felt great pause, and a knot of guilt and fear climb into my throat whenever I had occasion to mention her many financial betrayals, or the time she deliberately stayed in harm's way on a whim and some childish excuse while I was away.
All these things pale in comparison to the bitterness and humiliation I felt, and still feel, when I have to tell people she left me. I know why now. Because I've always taken pride (first mistake) in knowing people and their character and every failure of hers was a failure of mine that could have been avoided by the simple choice not to have married her at all. I could have avoided all of that, but I didn't because I was in love, she was in love, and we were going to figure it all out together. It wasn't even naive, I went in with my eyes wide open and the world at arms' length, but it didn't matter.
She would have been (probably will be) THE perfect wife for someone, almost anyone else, but not for me. The things that didn't work out were academic, but infinitely important to us on opposite ends of the spectrum and therefore irreconcileable. Why then did it take 11 years? Stubbornness?
Because I loved her, and because I thought God wanted me to stay (last mistake.) At least I was wrong about that.
They're moving in together, with my children, and talking marriage in the summer. The ONE thing I asked her for, she had to lie to me about again. Again, she's doing exactly what I said she'd do, and I can't believe she'd ever do but I read it all in her months ago.. I'm so, so, sick of being right...and I just want to...but I won't.
Stress: The condition resulting from the mind overriding the body's natural urge to throttle someone who desperately needs it.
Once again my mind is blown
Sooo, I mentioned I hate being right, right? I was right again, a bunch of times tonight. Time to take the kids out to dinner and forget it completely for a while. Friggin' WOW! (shaking my head)
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Routine
I've never been much for routines. Every day I try to Skype and read a story to my kids, but every day there is something going on that only serves to underscore how unnatural and wrong it is for a father and his children to interact across unnecessary miles, and unfeeling media. I have been deployed many times, I have been away, and I have spent holidays, birthdays, and such in misery far away from friends and family, but never for a choice that I made, or an action I could have avoided. Never for a purpose I designed. I am thankful for something, anything that brings me closer to them in some form, but I am starting to hate anything that reminds me that I am now relegated to secondary parent.
I have been pushed out of my true role by the whim of my former wife and her desire to relocate. I am resentful of having to allow it and support it, without question or consideration for my sacrifice or the example I've established as a father and a provider. My role now is to provide the lifestyle chosen by the one who so completely destroyed my life who's taken from me the only thing I ever held more important than my honor, but perhaps that's why she's done it. Maybe she doesn't realize that she was part of it, but I think it's more than that..
I am forced to contemplate this new reality as incontrovertable, yet the capricious manner in which it has been executed by the state and representatives of law gives me pause like I've never experienced before. How obtuse to so detachedly create and enforce policy so generally toxic to families. Why is it legal for her to just take my children from me? Who's justice is this?
I will have to move the world to change it. To function as a father and role model should, I will have to rearrange the way things are done, and prove myself worthy to people whose opinion matters not at all but for the context of their position in the law. I know my conduct and example to my children has been above reproach, but some smug bastard in an office removed from comprehension of that passes judgement with my former spouse on how often I can see them, and for how long. By what failure of conscience and integrity does a person feel they should determine my access and interaction with my children? What flaw in character could possibly account for this? It galls me to no end that she assumes entitlement to determine this. I question how I ever trusted and loved her. What kind of a person could do this to another?
My positive influence and parental guidance must now somehow be communicated across hundreds of miles through the barest minimal contact, and over the period of a few minutes a day to my beautiful daughters, who have begun to slip farther into their own routines and habits without me. Eventually the conflict and resentment over the very thing I so desperately cling to as a lifeline of our relationship will break. It will be all I can do to maintain my composure to preserve our relationship, but I must. I have seen it all play out.
This should not be. What perversion of justice requires that I should beg for time with my beloved children? What twisted vehicle of fate throws me out from my own home, punishes for no wrong or impropriety and steals my children from me?
I am unable to express how deeply I revile this, my new life.
I have been pushed out of my true role by the whim of my former wife and her desire to relocate. I am resentful of having to allow it and support it, without question or consideration for my sacrifice or the example I've established as a father and a provider. My role now is to provide the lifestyle chosen by the one who so completely destroyed my life who's taken from me the only thing I ever held more important than my honor, but perhaps that's why she's done it. Maybe she doesn't realize that she was part of it, but I think it's more than that..
I am forced to contemplate this new reality as incontrovertable, yet the capricious manner in which it has been executed by the state and representatives of law gives me pause like I've never experienced before. How obtuse to so detachedly create and enforce policy so generally toxic to families. Why is it legal for her to just take my children from me? Who's justice is this?
I will have to move the world to change it. To function as a father and role model should, I will have to rearrange the way things are done, and prove myself worthy to people whose opinion matters not at all but for the context of their position in the law. I know my conduct and example to my children has been above reproach, but some smug bastard in an office removed from comprehension of that passes judgement with my former spouse on how often I can see them, and for how long. By what failure of conscience and integrity does a person feel they should determine my access and interaction with my children? What flaw in character could possibly account for this? It galls me to no end that she assumes entitlement to determine this. I question how I ever trusted and loved her. What kind of a person could do this to another?
My positive influence and parental guidance must now somehow be communicated across hundreds of miles through the barest minimal contact, and over the period of a few minutes a day to my beautiful daughters, who have begun to slip farther into their own routines and habits without me. Eventually the conflict and resentment over the very thing I so desperately cling to as a lifeline of our relationship will break. It will be all I can do to maintain my composure to preserve our relationship, but I must. I have seen it all play out.
This should not be. What perversion of justice requires that I should beg for time with my beloved children? What twisted vehicle of fate throws me out from my own home, punishes for no wrong or impropriety and steals my children from me?
I am unable to express how deeply I revile this, my new life.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Who Needs Marriage?
Today's Time Magazine Cover: "Who Needs Marriage? Men do more than women, and it works better for richer than for poorer."
I am struck by this, and annoyed by the implications, but not for the reasons you might think. I beleived that marriage was an institution derived from thousands of years of men trying to control what women did and how they related to the world as a selfish misogynist's approach to relationships and I was supposed to be wrong. I was never supposed to buy-in. When I made the committment though, it was real, and worthy, and important to me. So much so that it broke me, and made me a stranger to my love, and myself. It broke our love.
The article aptly states the common stereotype. Men fearful of commitment; then turns it on its ear with statistical data (hopefully well-founded and researched) suggesting the opposite becomes true after the committment is made. Coincidence?
This points to a whole lot of assumption-busting information that leads me to believe, especially under present circumstances, that the whole thing is a farce. I have believed in the institution as a personal committment and choice. A spiritual one, never as one that should be influenced by entities outside the betrothed. My foremost concern for the well-being and stability of the relationship had always been honor, trust, respect, honesty, and ignoring the rest of the world, but in the final analysis my hopes and dreams and beliefs were all found wanting in the face of a simple truth: When she's done, it's done, and there's nothing anyone can do or say about it. The farce is that we shouldn't live without it. Shame on us all!
Committments between lovers should remain between them and God alone. Law, and other people be damned! I will likely say Never again, and mean it for now, but I am a romantic after all. I believe in the courage it takes to profess one's love for another. To endure the hardships we create for ourselves and to grow together, choosing to do so, and not to grow apart, but I don't know if I will find that peace for myself.
A dream interrupted, but not forgotten.
I am struck by this, and annoyed by the implications, but not for the reasons you might think. I beleived that marriage was an institution derived from thousands of years of men trying to control what women did and how they related to the world as a selfish misogynist's approach to relationships and I was supposed to be wrong. I was never supposed to buy-in. When I made the committment though, it was real, and worthy, and important to me. So much so that it broke me, and made me a stranger to my love, and myself. It broke our love.
The article aptly states the common stereotype. Men fearful of commitment; then turns it on its ear with statistical data (hopefully well-founded and researched) suggesting the opposite becomes true after the committment is made. Coincidence?
This points to a whole lot of assumption-busting information that leads me to believe, especially under present circumstances, that the whole thing is a farce. I have believed in the institution as a personal committment and choice. A spiritual one, never as one that should be influenced by entities outside the betrothed. My foremost concern for the well-being and stability of the relationship had always been honor, trust, respect, honesty, and ignoring the rest of the world, but in the final analysis my hopes and dreams and beliefs were all found wanting in the face of a simple truth: When she's done, it's done, and there's nothing anyone can do or say about it. The farce is that we shouldn't live without it. Shame on us all!
Committments between lovers should remain between them and God alone. Law, and other people be damned! I will likely say Never again, and mean it for now, but I am a romantic after all. I believe in the courage it takes to profess one's love for another. To endure the hardships we create for ourselves and to grow together, choosing to do so, and not to grow apart, but I don't know if I will find that peace for myself.
A dream interrupted, but not forgotten.
Still here
I defy the world and all it's schemes and obstacles. I am not so naive to believe I've overcome, God carried me, yet I've not 'til today understood why I shouldn't fear anything. I'd always felt bad before because it was defiance born of vanity and rage, therefore wrong. I've known fear these last few years, but fell on His Grace to separate me from it and allow me to move on apart from it in spite of what I knew about the world. I lost the fire of conviction, fell into doubt, and became misled by fear. Fear is a lie. I want to be reborn in that fire, and feel the truth of it in my heart, always. To be reminded of what we should be, and have fallen so far from. To reclaim that which is our birthright and our only purpose.
Lord show me the way to ruin and redemption as a man should walk it. I'll walk through any Hell that comes as long as you are with me. I won't put my faith in man or myself any longer. You sustained and redeemed me. I owe nothing to man, though I will look after him as my brother. My mind and my soul are yours. I lay my body down in sacrifice. Make me an example for all who search for you, that we might understand that suffering in Your name is not loss. Show me your will and keep me close. I surrender to you alone.
Grant me the strength to bare my soul again and the will to breath the bitterness of this world without burning in it.
Lord show me the way to ruin and redemption as a man should walk it. I'll walk through any Hell that comes as long as you are with me. I won't put my faith in man or myself any longer. You sustained and redeemed me. I owe nothing to man, though I will look after him as my brother. My mind and my soul are yours. I lay my body down in sacrifice. Make me an example for all who search for you, that we might understand that suffering in Your name is not loss. Show me your will and keep me close. I surrender to you alone.
Grant me the strength to bare my soul again and the will to breath the bitterness of this world without burning in it.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Experiment
I've been taking notes a long, long time. Refuting assumptions, watching, and learning. I've reached a definitive conclusion:
I want to be human.
There are too many things I've denied myself. Too many paths left untrod, loves unrequited, and dreams unfulfilled. I see where I went wrong now and I desperately want to go back and tell myself what I've learned, but it's too late. I want to know what it's like to enjoy life and not apologize for it. I want to know what I've missed. I'm jumping in with both feet and If I find out I can't swim I'll finally be just like everyone else. And I won't have any regrets.
I want to be human.
There are too many things I've denied myself. Too many paths left untrod, loves unrequited, and dreams unfulfilled. I see where I went wrong now and I desperately want to go back and tell myself what I've learned, but it's too late. I want to know what it's like to enjoy life and not apologize for it. I want to know what I've missed. I'm jumping in with both feet and If I find out I can't swim I'll finally be just like everyone else. And I won't have any regrets.
Starting again, and again, and again.
There must be some signinficance to this day, aside from the fact that it signifies the end of my marriage. I am reading "Letters from a skeptic," "Atlas Shrugged," and "Infinite Jest" at the same time. I'm finding it hard to believe anything stranger could happpen spontaneously. From the recommendations of friends to the obsessive reading that tends to characterize my encounters with really good books I'm a bit worried for my mental health.
This is complicated further by the immediate and distracting nature of my suddenly being single after 11 years of marriage (pronounced mirage) and the fact that I haven't returned home prior to 0500 in the past several days.
My mind is a bit muddled I'm afraid.
I find myself questioning the notion of meeting a beautiful, sophisticated woman, whose goals and philosophies are not completely irreconcileable to mine and vice versa. Questioning it not for any lack of desire to find such a woman, but for the fact that I may lack any or all of the aforementioned traits. I must improve my mind, body and understanding before seeking her. Seems only fair.
This is complicated further by the immediate and distracting nature of my suddenly being single after 11 years of marriage (pronounced mirage) and the fact that I haven't returned home prior to 0500 in the past several days.
My mind is a bit muddled I'm afraid.
I find myself questioning the notion of meeting a beautiful, sophisticated woman, whose goals and philosophies are not completely irreconcileable to mine and vice versa. Questioning it not for any lack of desire to find such a woman, but for the fact that I may lack any or all of the aforementioned traits. I must improve my mind, body and understanding before seeking her. Seems only fair.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Perspective?
I'm going to force myself to write something from her perspective. I don't really know much about it, but I know it must have been...I don't know, difficult to live with someone you don't love for a long time. i can at least empathize with that.
I loved her for a long time without really wanting to, and then when I wanted to, I didn't because I couldn't believe I could trust her. so much craziness at that time that I can't put my finger on what was actually happening except feeling betrayed, and watching her feel sort of guilty, but not to me. Guilty in a way that wasn't apologetic, it was like resentful guilt. Like I shouldn't have been pissed, or upset at all with her because her intentions weren't to betray me. go figure.
I can see this will be a difficult "assignment" considering I'm already getting agitated just writing out the idea. Should be interesting, or completely miserable. Not sure what I'm going for here. I know I have to get up at four, so I am going to bed now.
I loved her for a long time without really wanting to, and then when I wanted to, I didn't because I couldn't believe I could trust her. so much craziness at that time that I can't put my finger on what was actually happening except feeling betrayed, and watching her feel sort of guilty, but not to me. Guilty in a way that wasn't apologetic, it was like resentful guilt. Like I shouldn't have been pissed, or upset at all with her because her intentions weren't to betray me. go figure.
I can see this will be a difficult "assignment" considering I'm already getting agitated just writing out the idea. Should be interesting, or completely miserable. Not sure what I'm going for here. I know I have to get up at four, so I am going to bed now.
Monday, November 15, 2010
this was a dream from about a year ago.
-- pain, unaware then suddenly awake lying on my left side. awkward angle. can't feel it, but it looks wrong.
can't blink. can't hear. not even my pulse.
sliding glass door and it's open behind vertical blinds.
no sensation to connect but i'm lying in a pool of blood on a cheap beige carpet. glass everywhere.
didn't feel the footsteps on the carpet beside my head. saw them bounce my vision a bit.
blood drains away toward a black leather shoe.
right eye's getting blurry, darkening slowly toward the bridge of my nose. little twitches in my eyelid. hemorrhaging. won't see much more.
so quiet
head moved. i think i FELT - cold - against the side of my head
a gun maybe. can't see. the movement skews my vision to the side. no fear, just slow processing information through a fog of silence and blood loss.
I have a thought of wanting to see this from some other vantage.
the flash - (i thought i'd flinch but my eyes don't close)
...mental reflexes, no movement
losing the other eye. blood dripping across my lashes.
more glass falling now. I can't connect it with anything.
beautiful. tiny flashes of sunlight all over
tired...
can't blink. can't hear. not even my pulse.
sliding glass door and it's open behind vertical blinds.
no sensation to connect but i'm lying in a pool of blood on a cheap beige carpet. glass everywhere.
didn't feel the footsteps on the carpet beside my head. saw them bounce my vision a bit.
blood drains away toward a black leather shoe.
right eye's getting blurry, darkening slowly toward the bridge of my nose. little twitches in my eyelid. hemorrhaging. won't see much more.
so quiet
head moved. i think i FELT - cold - against the side of my head
a gun maybe. can't see. the movement skews my vision to the side. no fear, just slow processing information through a fog of silence and blood loss.
I have a thought of wanting to see this from some other vantage.
the flash - (i thought i'd flinch but my eyes don't close)
...mental reflexes, no movement
losing the other eye. blood dripping across my lashes.
more glass falling now. I can't connect it with anything.
beautiful. tiny flashes of sunlight all over
tired...
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Holes
been poking holes in my armor. cutting myself in the process... like getting something out of a can. you have to be careful of the edges.
I need to feel but it's more than I bargained for.
not sure what's more dangerous, the stuff I'm letting in or what's coming out.
the decision is made though. I'll be true to my nature if it kills me
(it might, I have my moments...)
I'm fascinated by miscommunication. How badly skewed from lips to ears and back. Do we mislead ourselves or do we misread the world? why do we miss so much and take so many years to notice?
I need to feel but it's more than I bargained for.
not sure what's more dangerous, the stuff I'm letting in or what's coming out.
the decision is made though. I'll be true to my nature if it kills me
(it might, I have my moments...)
I'm fascinated by miscommunication. How badly skewed from lips to ears and back. Do we mislead ourselves or do we misread the world? why do we miss so much and take so many years to notice?
Trying not to hate
I've never known how difficult it was to try not to hate someone. I thought it might be just another inconvenient memory, but I find it a constant battle not to bear a grudge for the first time in my life. Bitterness.
I've done nothing wrong. I'm suddenly without the most important people in my life, and they are without me. I find this increasingly unacceptable, but I am not sure if there's anything I can do about it, which makes this all the more difficult. I don't do helpless.
The pitter-patter of little feet and the shrill voices are not here. No proxy is enough. I shouldn't be, cannot be content with that. Nobody knows how long I've worked to be with them every day. The stability I'd finally found snatched from under us like a table cloth in a bad magic trick. Despicable. Everything is shifted out of place. She doesn't seem to understand or care. The worst part is not to be known.
I've done nothing wrong. I'm suddenly without the most important people in my life, and they are without me. I find this increasingly unacceptable, but I am not sure if there's anything I can do about it, which makes this all the more difficult. I don't do helpless.
The pitter-patter of little feet and the shrill voices are not here. No proxy is enough. I shouldn't be, cannot be content with that. Nobody knows how long I've worked to be with them every day. The stability I'd finally found snatched from under us like a table cloth in a bad magic trick. Despicable. Everything is shifted out of place. She doesn't seem to understand or care. The worst part is not to be known.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Free. Incomplete but tracked with Odd Man Out in late 2008
when our eyes met for the first time
you were standing in the sun
that's how I remember
the day I fell in love
I had to have you close to me
so I asked you for your name
and ever since you spoke to me
I've never been the same
Now I'm sitting here watching the rain fall down
and It's not so bad
I'm feeling good,
when the sun comes over the mountains
I can breath again
When the light comes off of the ocean
makes it shine, shine, shine
shine
you don't know what you do to me
you just don't know, you just don't know
just too beautiful for words
and I feel, and I feel Free!
*I delight in this daydream,
for your return is near
We'll be a muse for the stars
and bring a smile with a tear*
I don't wanna walk away from here
knowing I wanna stay,
Not gonna live forever
Might as well live today
an I'm sitting here watching the rain fall down
and it's not so bad
I'm feeling good
when the sun comes over the mountains
I feel free again
when the light falls over the ocean
makes it shine, shine, shine
shine
*As originally written with Richie DeAvilla Top O The Hill Studios/Vagabond Sound Oak Harbor 2008
you were standing in the sun
that's how I remember
the day I fell in love
I had to have you close to me
so I asked you for your name
and ever since you spoke to me
I've never been the same
Now I'm sitting here watching the rain fall down
and It's not so bad
I'm feeling good,
when the sun comes over the mountains
I can breath again
When the light comes off of the ocean
makes it shine, shine, shine
shine
you don't know what you do to me
you just don't know, you just don't know
just too beautiful for words
and I feel, and I feel Free!
*I delight in this daydream,
for your return is near
We'll be a muse for the stars
and bring a smile with a tear*
I don't wanna walk away from here
knowing I wanna stay,
Not gonna live forever
Might as well live today
an I'm sitting here watching the rain fall down
and it's not so bad
I'm feeling good
when the sun comes over the mountains
I feel free again
when the light falls over the ocean
makes it shine, shine, shine
shine
*As originally written with Richie DeAvilla Top O The Hill Studios/Vagabond Sound Oak Harbor 2008
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
February 2006 Groundhog day
Alarm clocks waken a dismal chorus of electronic noise and groans. several heads and other body parts appear. The heads blink sleepily, several snooze buttons silencing their respective annoyances for the moment - more blinking.
If you've lived two weeks in an open bay you've seen it all.
Ground hog day isn't just an expression. It's a philosophy and a state of mind specifically adopted by those who must not be reminded of the separation of days or the passage of time as it drags.
Men and women who endure this lifestyle have long since realized the only escape from monotony and separation is to blur the distinction between units of time. Departure to return becomes one incredibly long, desperately detached workday, culminating in a reunion that all too often falls far short of expectations.
If you've lived two weeks in an open bay you've seen it all.
Ground hog day isn't just an expression. It's a philosophy and a state of mind specifically adopted by those who must not be reminded of the separation of days or the passage of time as it drags.
Men and women who endure this lifestyle have long since realized the only escape from monotony and separation is to blur the distinction between units of time. Departure to return becomes one incredibly long, desperately detached workday, culminating in a reunion that all too often falls far short of expectations.
Winter 2004 I think.
I stood at Death's door once, and knocked
He did not answer,
so I lived to learn discretion.
He who desires glory,
finds not glory,
but the wisdom never to seek it again
or death.
We are not what we would choose to be
As fragile as our thoughts
As fragile as our dreams
As fragile as our hearts
We are only as great as what we fear.
He did not answer,
so I lived to learn discretion.
He who desires glory,
finds not glory,
but the wisdom never to seek it again
or death.
We are not what we would choose to be
As fragile as our thoughts
As fragile as our dreams
As fragile as our hearts
We are only as great as what we fear.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Journal Sometime in 2004 From the Desert.
I was a chill in the autumn air
I was a breeze that played in your clothes
The whisper of falling leaves.
I was the morning, clear and bright in your eyes.
I woke you with the sunrise in the perfect sky.
I was the warmth of that sunrise
The azure in that sky
and I was with you.
I was with you then
I am with you now
and will forever be.
Though we may change
Though we falter,
Though we fade.
Though we be mortal
and unsure.
The memory fades
The fire flickers
We endure.
I was a breeze that played in your clothes
The whisper of falling leaves.
I was the morning, clear and bright in your eyes.
I woke you with the sunrise in the perfect sky.
I was the warmth of that sunrise
The azure in that sky
and I was with you.
I was with you then
I am with you now
and will forever be.
Though we may change
Though we falter,
Though we fade.
Though we be mortal
and unsure.
The memory fades
The fire flickers
We endure.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Amazed Fall 2009
I used to say the only things that surprised me were extreme intelligence and extreme stupidity.
That was cynical and narrow-minded, spoken in haste.
All my life, in anger, disappointment, or rejection I've tried to convince myself I hated people-but I can't. I've always needed to help them, to rescue them from horrible things and protect them from each other. For reasons I cannot grasp I love them. For purposes I cannot know. Even among the most depraved, I've seen kindness that could make me cry. I've seen acceptance that tore my heart apart. Grace defying its setting, and unconditional love in people you'd think had no capacity for caring.
Every day of my life, there it was. In people you'd have least expected to see it, there was God telling me that we are his in spite of ourselves. I could never put my finger on it before, but there it is.
Like my family, half are business-people, (half are pirates,) but every one of them has given me a reason to go on believing, even if a moment later I wondered why.
Now what never ceases to amaze me is kindness.
It can be the hardest thing in the world.
I say mercy is the privilege and responsibility of the strong, but it's more than that and kindness is the hardest won virtue of them all. Without it, intelligence and strength are just a show. Mercy is just a bargaining tool, and acceptance is its messenger. We are nothing without the capacity for love, and kindness is the extension of that most proud virtue. How strange to conclude that love is everywhere when it would otherwise seem so distant.
That was cynical and narrow-minded, spoken in haste.
All my life, in anger, disappointment, or rejection I've tried to convince myself I hated people-but I can't. I've always needed to help them, to rescue them from horrible things and protect them from each other. For reasons I cannot grasp I love them. For purposes I cannot know. Even among the most depraved, I've seen kindness that could make me cry. I've seen acceptance that tore my heart apart. Grace defying its setting, and unconditional love in people you'd think had no capacity for caring.
Every day of my life, there it was. In people you'd have least expected to see it, there was God telling me that we are his in spite of ourselves. I could never put my finger on it before, but there it is.
Like my family, half are business-people, (half are pirates,) but every one of them has given me a reason to go on believing, even if a moment later I wondered why.
Now what never ceases to amaze me is kindness.
It can be the hardest thing in the world.
I say mercy is the privilege and responsibility of the strong, but it's more than that and kindness is the hardest won virtue of them all. Without it, intelligence and strength are just a show. Mercy is just a bargaining tool, and acceptance is its messenger. We are nothing without the capacity for love, and kindness is the extension of that most proud virtue. How strange to conclude that love is everywhere when it would otherwise seem so distant.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Emma Brave and Lila Sweet / John From Downtown London
Emma Brave and Lila Sweet walked a nitpick pace down a dirt road. Nitpick for them anyway.
Neither had the slightest idea what stillness might be or if it had any merit. As they bounded in and out of hollows and ravines, exploring every nook and cranny on either side of the storm-ravaged road they kept up a steady, animated dialogue.
Their minds were curious, constantly shifting focus from one new find to the next, mirroring their movements with sharp precision, and missing nothing. They were never so happy as when allowed to drift through some unfamiliar place as they pleased, absobing every detail all the while running, climbing, jumping to conquer some new obstacle and better the view.
They were adventurers.
By design, intrepid and unfettered by the concerns of modern life, they dared to dream and think and explore whatever their minds could conjure, leaving no small wake of confusion behind. Theirs was the singular beauty of youth and grace, intellect and acumen.
They had no idea what lay ahead, and that is where this story really begins.
Neither had the slightest idea what stillness might be or if it had any merit. As they bounded in and out of hollows and ravines, exploring every nook and cranny on either side of the storm-ravaged road they kept up a steady, animated dialogue.
Their minds were curious, constantly shifting focus from one new find to the next, mirroring their movements with sharp precision, and missing nothing. They were never so happy as when allowed to drift through some unfamiliar place as they pleased, absobing every detail all the while running, climbing, jumping to conquer some new obstacle and better the view.
They were adventurers.
By design, intrepid and unfettered by the concerns of modern life, they dared to dream and think and explore whatever their minds could conjure, leaving no small wake of confusion behind. Theirs was the singular beauty of youth and grace, intellect and acumen.
They had no idea what lay ahead, and that is where this story really begins.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Lola Mornings
bleary, a thought rushes across the back of my eyelids only to fail its purpose utterly. still asleep...a small, incredibly perky voice is asking me if I want to wake up now, which, after laborious consideration strikes me as a terrible idea.
God she's cute though.
After climbing up next to me, she pats my head and curls up under the covers for exactly 23 seconds. Apparently I need to get up and make her cereal. I groan and she puts her feet on me (to get more leverage?) underscoring the obvious, and prompting another groan (her feet are cold!)
as consciousness slowly floods in, I can't help but wonder irrationally, why I have to get up.
I could totally take her, she's only 3. I outweigh her by a buck fifty easy! I could just say "No," after all it's still dark outside. People don't even know it's morning yet...! Nothing could defeat this logic!
Yea, Did I mention she's 3? I'm getting up and I know it's an inevitable.
She gathers her thoughts for a second, (I can tell because she does that little lip-smacking noise that people do before they're about to say something important) and I have no idea where she's gotten that mannerism but it tickles me. I stifle a laugh which is the beginning of the end. Point-Lola. "Daddy don't you want to get up now?"
You can't argue with a 3 year old, especially when they know you're no longer serious.
As I drag myself out of bed I'm plotting a return to the covers that will never happen.
She's happily going on about Kix, and whether we'll go swimming or not, and barbies and Scooby-doo and I'm debating starting the cartoon train for a chance to crawl back into bed.
But you know, what do we always say when it's waay too late at night and nobody feels like going home? I'll sleep when I'm dead! Me and Lola, we've got things to do!
God she's cute though.
After climbing up next to me, she pats my head and curls up under the covers for exactly 23 seconds. Apparently I need to get up and make her cereal. I groan and she puts her feet on me (to get more leverage?) underscoring the obvious, and prompting another groan (her feet are cold!)
as consciousness slowly floods in, I can't help but wonder irrationally, why I have to get up.
I could totally take her, she's only 3. I outweigh her by a buck fifty easy! I could just say "No," after all it's still dark outside. People don't even know it's morning yet...! Nothing could defeat this logic!
Yea, Did I mention she's 3? I'm getting up and I know it's an inevitable.
She gathers her thoughts for a second, (I can tell because she does that little lip-smacking noise that people do before they're about to say something important) and I have no idea where she's gotten that mannerism but it tickles me. I stifle a laugh which is the beginning of the end. Point-Lola. "Daddy don't you want to get up now?"
You can't argue with a 3 year old, especially when they know you're no longer serious.
As I drag myself out of bed I'm plotting a return to the covers that will never happen.
She's happily going on about Kix, and whether we'll go swimming or not, and barbies and Scooby-doo and I'm debating starting the cartoon train for a chance to crawl back into bed.
But you know, what do we always say when it's waay too late at night and nobody feels like going home? I'll sleep when I'm dead! Me and Lola, we've got things to do!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Introspection
November 21 2009
I find lately I'm preoccupied with loneliness. I don't know if it's directly related to my situation but I figure most of it's to do with state of mind and distance from loved ones. Place and time has no bearing on my mind unless I let it, I know, but I let it sometimes so loneliness flows easily. Any progress I'd made toward optimism is usually lost. (smile)
Somehow it catches me blindside. I've never decided to be melancholy, it's just suddenly I am. Which has been a blessing and a curse. Melancholy is a favorite word and atmosphere, but hardly a favorite mood. Thankfully I'm well-equipped to deal with this insidious problem. Since my attention span is slightly shorter than the lifespan of the trace amounts of unstable subatomic particles drifting around in my bloodstream, I can be happily on about my business in the blink of an eye.
It would be nice to be able to enjoy my own company again, for more than a day or two. I used to enjoy being alone, but now it gets to me pretty quickly.
Of course it's a setup for failure going to the places I've been. The middle of the woods, somewhere near a river would surely resonate differently than the cities and deserts I've found myself surrounded by. There's no peace, just anxiety and dissonance.
I find lately I'm preoccupied with loneliness. I don't know if it's directly related to my situation but I figure most of it's to do with state of mind and distance from loved ones. Place and time has no bearing on my mind unless I let it, I know, but I let it sometimes so loneliness flows easily. Any progress I'd made toward optimism is usually lost. (smile)
Somehow it catches me blindside. I've never decided to be melancholy, it's just suddenly I am. Which has been a blessing and a curse. Melancholy is a favorite word and atmosphere, but hardly a favorite mood. Thankfully I'm well-equipped to deal with this insidious problem. Since my attention span is slightly shorter than the lifespan of the trace amounts of unstable subatomic particles drifting around in my bloodstream, I can be happily on about my business in the blink of an eye.
It would be nice to be able to enjoy my own company again, for more than a day or two. I used to enjoy being alone, but now it gets to me pretty quickly.
Of course it's a setup for failure going to the places I've been. The middle of the woods, somewhere near a river would surely resonate differently than the cities and deserts I've found myself surrounded by. There's no peace, just anxiety and dissonance.
What happens in Vegas?
December 7 2009
I'm in Las Vegas on business and I don't understand. I thought I might have for a minute-I really was trying, but then it all slipped away with the reality of another crisp morning after. The accompanying realization remains: You can only be happy here for as long as you can outrun the expense.
I'm in Las Vegas on business and I don't understand. I thought I might have for a minute-I really was trying, but then it all slipped away with the reality of another crisp morning after. The accompanying realization remains: You can only be happy here for as long as you can outrun the expense.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Hurts like hell to see you
hurts like hell when I don't
There was fire in your eyes
When we kissed
But its gone
Knew it was over
You shouldn't have
Made me hold on
Promises lost in the memories they came with
They've lost the luster
They had when you made them
Your heart didn't change
With your name when you changed it
So why did you ask me to stay
There's no excuse
For the way that you left it
Wasting my time, I'm still
Trying to forget it
Empty words echo
Across empty pages
I've left all my tears
Somewhere I can't replace them
Goodbye
hurts like hell when I don't
There was fire in your eyes
When we kissed
But its gone
Knew it was over
You shouldn't have
Made me hold on
Promises lost in the memories they came with
They've lost the luster
They had when you made them
Your heart didn't change
With your name when you changed it
So why did you ask me to stay
There's no excuse
For the way that you left it
Wasting my time, I'm still
Trying to forget it
Empty words echo
Across empty pages
I've left all my tears
Somewhere I can't replace them
Goodbye
Friday, October 15, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Life
I've recently had to experience just how F'd up things can get when "good" relationships go bad. The catalysts, the changes, the conflict, and confusion. I've had just about all I can stand, but fate stirs up trouble the entire way and I have to laugh. Fate is pretty funny.
I've never been one to let well enough alone, mostly because that's never gotten me anywhere. I act on my instincts and things work out but I can't imagine a more glaring example of failing to act than what has so totally changed my life recently.
Long walks on the beach, in the woods, over the mountains, hell I like really long walks that turn into overnight camping trips and white water excursions.
I love not knowing what's over the next ridge and just for the hell of it, sprinting the switchbacks to find out, even if there's no lake to jump in, or river to slosh through.
I like diving stuff that makes my insides tighten up just looking over the edge, and the idea that one of these days I'm going to have to say "Uh, nope, better NOT try that...yet."
Literature, Music, Sports (doing, not so much watching) Art, Culture. What's not to like?
I am that guy. I have no qualms with it, and I will NEVER compromise that part of me for anything ever again.
I respect people, and what they have to do to survive, but not at the expense of others. Chances are, if you do what you love, you will love people and do right by them whether they do right by you or not because you won't care. They can't touch you anyway.
I embrace change as a matter of course. I accept it and roll on, but for some reason this has been difficult to accept. I've had issues with "how," but now I've seen "why," and been steadily contemplating the "what now" since this whole things started. I like the answers I've been getting so far.
I could list a thousand reasons why things didn't work, but the things that I love suffice as a list all on their own.
I've never been one to let well enough alone, mostly because that's never gotten me anywhere. I act on my instincts and things work out but I can't imagine a more glaring example of failing to act than what has so totally changed my life recently.
Long walks on the beach, in the woods, over the mountains, hell I like really long walks that turn into overnight camping trips and white water excursions.
I love not knowing what's over the next ridge and just for the hell of it, sprinting the switchbacks to find out, even if there's no lake to jump in, or river to slosh through.
I like diving stuff that makes my insides tighten up just looking over the edge, and the idea that one of these days I'm going to have to say "Uh, nope, better NOT try that...yet."
Literature, Music, Sports (doing, not so much watching) Art, Culture. What's not to like?
I am that guy. I have no qualms with it, and I will NEVER compromise that part of me for anything ever again.
I respect people, and what they have to do to survive, but not at the expense of others. Chances are, if you do what you love, you will love people and do right by them whether they do right by you or not because you won't care. They can't touch you anyway.
Every day.
Do I believe that every day could be the greatest day of my life? I suppose that is the ultimate question we are faced with. What do we do with that, and do we live our lives based on that one truth. Even if it were just an academic drill, what would that say about us as people if we woke up every day and treated it as if its potential alone made it worth the adversity, the "price of admission?"
I think I've been trying to answer this question with a resounding "Yes!" all my life, but things always seemed to get in the way. By my own hand or otherwise. I've never met a person that couldn't screw up their own lives if left to their own devices for too long. I never used to be influenced by what was going on around me, but lately I've fallen into this habit of wondering what the world will think before I act. Perhaps I arrived here on a quest to avoid arrogance, but eventually it's just dishonest and misleading. I count too many things I haven't done and haven't enjoyed as a result, and those become regrets. We do this to ourselves. No one chooses for us, we choose this path. We are seduced by our gifts to the detriment of our choices. We justify our choices with blame, a crutch I can no longer afford and never wanted in the first place.
I think I've been trying to answer this question with a resounding "Yes!" all my life, but things always seemed to get in the way. By my own hand or otherwise. I've never met a person that couldn't screw up their own lives if left to their own devices for too long. I never used to be influenced by what was going on around me, but lately I've fallen into this habit of wondering what the world will think before I act. Perhaps I arrived here on a quest to avoid arrogance, but eventually it's just dishonest and misleading. I count too many things I haven't done and haven't enjoyed as a result, and those become regrets. We do this to ourselves. No one chooses for us, we choose this path. We are seduced by our gifts to the detriment of our choices. We justify our choices with blame, a crutch I can no longer afford and never wanted in the first place.
Decisions...
So what to do first? Make a list of the things I want, and a separate list of the things I need, and perhaps a separate list of things I may do to make the former two lists possible and deconflict the three? (laughing at self) Well it can't be THAT hard to do right? I just need a plan of action.
So many things have happened over the last few months, weeks, and days that it is hard to figure out what will take priority along these lines. Do I retain my current living space, vehicle, career, state of residence? Shall I strike out in search of new and better things? Who's to say I shouldn't just chuck it all and start completely new? I'll admit, if I had money, that would be the first order of business, but I digress. How do I handle this newfound freedom/captivity?
So many things have happened over the last few months, weeks, and days that it is hard to figure out what will take priority along these lines. Do I retain my current living space, vehicle, career, state of residence? Shall I strike out in search of new and better things? Who's to say I shouldn't just chuck it all and start completely new? I'll admit, if I had money, that would be the first order of business, but I digress. How do I handle this newfound freedom/captivity?
Monday, October 11, 2010
Writing to drag myself out of anger
Anger is a funny thing. For part of my life I enjoyed it thoroughly and used it to improve performance, efficiency, accumen, and the occasional party trick, but now I have no use for it. It impedes my evolution, and destroys my carefully laid plans for success and family. I am not who I was, but I will never be who I want to be without laying this demon to rest once and for all. How to do it?
I've been on this Earth for 32 years.
I live and breath for one, really just for me.
Everything I want comes after that.
No matter how I want to improve my childrens' lives, or nurture and care for them, I can only live and breath for me and hope that what I do shows them what is possible by example. Only after I make these provisions for myself, can I provide what they need as a father figure and a mentor; a Nurturing, confident, firm, loving, and succesful presence in their lives that provides unconditional love and support, regardless of what life brings. I want them to see me and understand what it means to make that effort and choose to continue learning and growing in spite of what might otherwise be comfortable. I don't want to fail them in that or any capacity. A lofty goal if ever there was one, but a goal I cannot but attempt. They are the best of me, and I can't wait to see who they turn out to be.
I've been on this Earth for 32 years.
I live and breath for one, really just for me.
Everything I want comes after that.
No matter how I want to improve my childrens' lives, or nurture and care for them, I can only live and breath for me and hope that what I do shows them what is possible by example. Only after I make these provisions for myself, can I provide what they need as a father figure and a mentor; a Nurturing, confident, firm, loving, and succesful presence in their lives that provides unconditional love and support, regardless of what life brings. I want them to see me and understand what it means to make that effort and choose to continue learning and growing in spite of what might otherwise be comfortable. I don't want to fail them in that or any capacity. A lofty goal if ever there was one, but a goal I cannot but attempt. They are the best of me, and I can't wait to see who they turn out to be.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Beginnings...
Jeff Bezos confirms all too perfectly the stirring in my mind and heart, and convicts me with a gentle chide to a Princeton grad class:
"Will you follow your passion? Will you guard your heart against rejection, or will you act when you fall in love?" "It is harder to be kind than clever."
Perhaps exactly what I needed, when I needed to hear it. I can answer the one and live the other, all the better for both. I have been bold and forthright without guard or reservation, and crushed, but not broken. It is harder to be kind than clever, and that is the difference between a gift and a choice as he so aptly stated. I choose to love, and I choose to be kind, in spite of what the world will do because I can, and I will succeed.
I remember now who I am, and who I was going to be. I don't know how I forgot that, but I know how to rectify the mistake. From this point on, I will remind myself if it takes every day to do so, that I am my father's son, my mother's son, the sum of those parts made greater knowing where I come from and who I am.
I am not afraid to fly...
"Will you follow your passion? Will you guard your heart against rejection, or will you act when you fall in love?" "It is harder to be kind than clever."
Perhaps exactly what I needed, when I needed to hear it. I can answer the one and live the other, all the better for both. I have been bold and forthright without guard or reservation, and crushed, but not broken. It is harder to be kind than clever, and that is the difference between a gift and a choice as he so aptly stated. I choose to love, and I choose to be kind, in spite of what the world will do because I can, and I will succeed.
I remember now who I am, and who I was going to be. I don't know how I forgot that, but I know how to rectify the mistake. From this point on, I will remind myself if it takes every day to do so, that I am my father's son, my mother's son, the sum of those parts made greater knowing where I come from and who I am.
I am not afraid to fly...
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