Texas

11/12/10
I have long known that cowboys keep secrets you have to be country to understand, but tonight proved it all to be true.  I'm country enough to know That I was missing something, but I've never known exactly what, or how much.  

Dance halls are better than sliced bread, bottled soft drinks, and the internal combustion engine all together.  I WILL learn to cut a rug, dance a jig and/or Texas swing before I die.  No question.  

Good friends, good times, good music.

Hard lessons

Knowing what is most important in life is sometimes the most difficult thing in the world.  It can be clouded by fear, twisted by bitterness, confused by expectations, and obscured by over-thinking.  I’ve never not-known what the right thing to do was until my heart was involved.  Suddenly, I was making all the wrong decisions. 

I tell people, “Just breathe and move, don’t think,” and “Go with your gut,” but I kept complicating all of the simple things.  I know what I was thinking, and what I believed was right at the time, but that will never make up for the time I’ve lost as a result of that backward process. 

“Just breathe and move…”  (shaking my head)  Dan had it exactly right.  I was making it complicated.  I wish he had been here to slap some sense into me when I needed it. 

Lesson 1.  Brains are for problems, Hearts are for living.  Your mind is a weapon evolved and refined over millions of years, specifically to protect life, cancel threats, and solve problems.  Never point it at anything you don’t wish to destroy. 

Lesson 2.  True Love is REAL, and it’s for Everybody, not just for people without responsibilities. Dreams are THE MOST IMPORTANT parts of US, struggling to Live and Breathe, and make the world a better place, but none of it is Worth It without Love.

Lesson 3.  Therefore, Choose Love, over ALL else.  This is not a motto, it is a call to action.  DO this.  It’s not just for the movies, or romance novels.  Make it your purpose in Life, and you will have won, regardless of the outcome.

 

Lesson 4.  Pray.  Always pray. 

Trust and Love

My Love, My Family.  

I've done you wrong by being fearful.  I've fallen short of trusting you.  When I fail, I will ask for help.  I will trust those I've bled with and for, and those I love, and who love me, to carry me when I would rather crawl.  I've done you a disservice, falling short of trusting you, because I was too fearful of disappointment and you have proven me wrong time and again.  

If We fail together, I will trust that nothing could have been done to avoid that outcome.  I say I love you, and I mean it...

Just a bit perturbed

2/3/11

What have I communicated, that leads people to believe I'm aggressive?!

(Slow-dawning comprehension)

Oh...that.

There are no more like me

2/10/11

I had to stop wondering
so it wouldn't hurt
every corner I turned
was another disappointment
never finding another of my kind

a soul that bleeds like I do
a mind that wants to sing
a heart that loves what I love
someone just for me

Oddly enough, I miss my wife.

4/24/11

I've come to understand that there are several things to be especially wary of when recently divorced.

1. Missing the company of another person.
2. Missing the voice of someone you've been very close to, even if you've not been especially intimate with that person, (sleeping in the same bed is often NOT intimate)
3. Missing that particular perspective on life that you had previously been privy to

Friend

6/12/11

Somewhere in the night

half a world away

wondering "if"

and wondering "why not"

and wondering if you're wondering the same

Fleeting

From 6/26/11

you get glimpses of it now and then
a dog rolling in the grass
a child chasing bubbles on an emerald lawn
the first I love you in a relationship
the sound of a stream tucked away behind its banks
a breeze over the mountain, just cool enough to cool, just warm enough to make you smile
the first few rays of a sunrise
the first raindrop on a hot day
that sound the ice makes when it settles on the lake  (whoomp!)

there's joy in that.

Ma says that I'll never be over it completely.
That something will bring it back all of a sudden, and sometimes it'll knock me on my ass, and sometimes it will just make me sad, like when you remember the loss of something special, but not wholly remembered, from way back in your childhood.  

Something that was good, but not quite strong enough for detail.
I don't know, but I hope she's wrong.  I don't want that.  I want the future.  I want to be--me again.

Remember I said this...

From 7/5/11

Perfect isn't.

Success it the assertion of will over circumstance.

Never say never, because you never know.

It is beyond my understanding.

Dramastically.

People who support all sorts of causes, and activism are all to often motivated only to support causes, and be activists, but what does that actually accomplish?

Some find fear in adversity and pain, others find grace.

Spontaniac

Life

From 7/5/11

Seems I've been trudging through for so long.  Why I never listened to my Stepdad I'll never know,
but here's the plan.  I've trudged all this time, to get to where I can start living, and I mean to do so..

Not yours to give

From 7/30/11

I'm not asking for forgiveness
in a moment of weakness
I know what I deserve.
Judgement earned, justice done, with or without you.

The Farther We Fall

From 8/6/11

The farther we fall, the more we need from each other just to breathe, and the more we need to know that we can trust what we believe.  Sometimes alone is better, if only to ensure we don't take someone with us where we shouldn't go.  When you can't avoid it anymore, sometimes it's best just to dive and pray.  It's scary, but there's plenty of room to grow and learn, and change.  Hopefully, for the better.

From 8/12/11

The saying goes, there's a time and a place for everything.
It doesn't say you will always know what that thing is, or when it's supposed to happen.
In many cases you won't, until after you do something you thought it was time and place for.  Unfortunately, it is painfully evident when you do the WRONG thing at the WRONG time...

If I had been born

If I had been born somewhere else, some other time, into other circumstances, would I still have grown to love and desire to protect, or would I simply have grown, and walked alone?  Would I have felt the same drive to pursue the things that I love, and needed to help people, and create things, and fix things, and make things better?
I'd like to think that we are who we are, and life changes the exterior until we are able to do what we are meant to do.  In that way I think we all have a destiny, and some of us never reach it, but hopefully we are all working toward it in our own way.  Is it really Nature vs. Nurture, or is there a hell of a lot more to it than that?

In love?

11/14/10 
I've been thinking again, which, if memory serves is probably a bad thing.  But for better or worse, here goes.

In love, we're not looking for the person who makes us feel wildly energetic, although that's wonderful, and we're not looking for the person who makes the fireworks go off in our heads when they talk.  It may be more about not feeling alone with this specific person.  To experience a bond that allows you to just be, and know that all is well.

A wise person once told me it seemed we were all looking for someone to bear witness to our life.  I know it seems selfish, until you think about it in terms of a pact, or an agreement.  Sort of an I will not allow your life to go un-celebrated, if you will do the same for me.  After all, we celebrate the wonders of every day far too infrequently.      

I wonder if I'll ever know that feeling.  I have known a lot of people in my life, but I've never known someone who understood me.  I've never known someone who wasn't always trying to guess my next thought.  Or maybe I've just felt that way.  What I'm really looking for is someone who doesn't worry about what I'm thinking, and who lives fully, but enjoys being with me too.  Someone who intrigues and incites my curiosity, but whom I don't feel I need to constantly wonder about either.

Modern life is something akin to the impression of a large empty room with vaulted ceilings into which we repeatedly call, "Are you there?" and never quite dare to expect a reply.  

Although we may dream of a lilted response in some bedroom voice or exotic accent, perhaps a simple "Yes" is the most important thing of all.  To be heard and understood.  To be Understood and loved, is the most rare of all because it requires a level of involvement that simply cannot be simulated or contrived.  How far should I go to find simplicity when I've already had something wonderful that I couldn't accept for fear of responsibility and the unknowns that come with another 10 years' living?  Was it a mistake?  As ever, I can only move forward into that space and do what I can to make it a good place to be.      

Men and Women

I just Googled the phrase "Men and Women."  It returned: segregation, outdoor urination (seriously?  wtf?) combat, sex, differences in communication, sex drive, how men and women find a partner, etc...  If Google is a reflection of what humans are searching for, my hopes are crushed.  I remember there being a lot more to the story, but maybe I've just been spoiled by the amazing women I've been lucky enough to know in my adult life.  Tipping my hat and a heartfelt "Thank You!" to the beautiful and brilliant women who've kept me Blissfully sheltered, (you know who you are).  Blessed few of you!  What the hell happened to Music, Literature, Art, Culture, Language, Dance, Exploration, Curiosity, Humor, Intellect?  Intelligent people don't date impressionables!  They're boring!  Intelligent people date smart, aggressive, funny, slightly psychotic types who know a good joke when they hear one and still play with fire because (deep-down) humans are programmed to think it's cool!  The fiery ones with brains and an adventurous streak?  Yea, they're the cool kids.  The ones with their heads in the TV or stuck in front of a mirror?  Not so much.